Has anyone else found themselves being pushed and pulled and tested throughout the past few months? I suspect most people have in some way, either that or it’s just me and my closest gal pals. It would seem that in our own way, with our own pressures, we have all faced tests that have been pushing us to the brink. The energy… if you are sensitive to that, has been intense.
I feel like it is one lesson after another, one frustration and then the next. Behind EVERY frustration is an amazing opportunity to learn something new. AND boy have I been learning. It’s what I do… to the point of exhaustion… tease apart situations and encounters, my reactions, triggers and feelings. In times gone by I have twisted myself in knots with how the actions of others have created so much disharmony. In this pursuit of cracking open all that I have believed to be true, stripping my thoughts and perceptions bare and finding my own truth in our existence, then the challenges are inevitable.
On this pursuit, with its confusing and confronting encounters, I am so very thankful for my tribal support. The small, intimate group of women who hold space for me everytime I need to prise open and tease something apart. Every time something causes frustration or angst I have women who listen, observe and nurture me as I find my way through. In years gone by this has usually been an intense bitching session supported by those who will only ever see my point of view and support my perspective no matter how off the mark it may be.
Human nature would have it, that naturally, we will all paint things just that little bit more flattering towards our own way of thinking. We add lib, exaggerate and embellish our story, to ensure our reputation stays in tacked. We are, by all accounts, the mere victim of some treacherous attempt to sabotage our perfect little world. For me, that was in the days where being right, was far more important than being happy and long before I recognised my own responsibility in it all.
So in knowing I am responsible for all that surrounds me, the lessons are coming hard and fast. I have created a lifestyle that is completely out of alignment for who I am and therefore my energy is being drained. Being out of alignment basically means living a lifestyle that doesn’t wholeheartedly reflect your idea and perspective of how life should be lived and enjoyed. In both my profession and my business I am giving of myself constantly. It’s what I do and I am happy to do it but it has it’s down falls too. Giving your energy without ensuring you restore it can leave you depleted on more levels than one.
Creating this disharmony, even in the pursuit of an amazing dream (and in the meantime working out that your soul actually needed this new venture more than you could have possibly imagined) has eventuated in some ‘sit you on your arse’ moments. The thing I am now acutely aware of is that when I am not living the life I was designed to live (Find your Human Design here) it presents in feelings of frustration. To be honest I am living in complete contrast to how I think we should live our life. I don’t feel like we should push or force or struggle with it, I think we should do things that bring us joy, excitement and wonder.
I have never wanted to feel trapped in a situation and stick with it because it’s easy, known and safe and yet here I am. I have always felt like I had the strength and conviction to create the life I wanted and yet here I am. I have known for a long time that feeling stuck was only ever fear holding me back and I could overcome that any time I chose and yet here I am. I have felt powerful beyond belief in my ability to make a difference and never wanted to doubt my role here on earth and yet here I am. Here I am living a very different life than what I would normally choose for myself and my family.
That frustration, that disharmony that eats at my soul, has created some serious life lessons. I have hidden behind my ‘I’m just so busy’ bullshit excuses for months on end now. With lagging energy I have succumb to some less than desirable emotions and thrown my own little pity party. I know that this situation is not permanent, that I can’t sustain, much less want to, my current momentum. Not because it’s impossible or I’m too weak to; I’m a fucking go-getter when I want to be, but because it is so out of alignment for how I want our life to be.
And yet I am incredibly thankful for every experience that has shown up in the past little while, each and every one of them. Every uncomfortable predicament has lead me down the road of self destructive thinking patterns which has in turn then created some amazing clarity. Being in this lower energy vibration I feel a little defeated, a little vulnerable, a little misunderstood and I have started the blame game. I start assuming it is the world outside me creating the dysfunction in my mind and I feed into the voices. In fact nothing outside of me does any of it!!
There are particular recurring themes in my life that each time I am feeling vulnerable seem to arise. It is an ongoing family cycle that has been on repeat my whole life. No doubt most families have their difficulties, we are no different. The push and pull of playing happy families seems to be an ongoing pursuit and at times it can be hard to come by. Today was no exception. As I sit here reflecting, however, I am filled with joy with just how far we have come. Working our way through the surface level grievances we got into some deep, nitty gritty feelings that feed the frustrations, disappointments and fears.
There was no blaming, no I am right, no yelling or anger. There were just adults conversing and sharing what is going on for them. This is something particularly new for my family, something in all honesty has never been done well. The total acceptance and acknowledgement of each other’s feelings and grievances without guilt, shame or disapproval was therapeutic and incredibly healing. I admit I have fucked it up quite a bit in my ‘I’m too busy’ pity party, I’ve misread behaviours without acknowledging what is going on at a deeper level, as have my folks. But shucks we’re human! Today was a complete and utter blessing, a freeing feeling to fess up to my fuck ups but to also express where deep seeded resentment has festered from. To respect each other on the pursuit of doing the best job we can, while accepting we still have a lot to learn was just so liberating!
The energies are intense and the lessons are real but HONESTY and RESPONSIBILITY will ALWAYS set you free.