I have come to a point in my life where I accept there are NO mistakes. While the bigger, life changing situations have been harder to accept, the smaller more aggravating experiences have been proving this theory right for some time. Every situation has always led me somewhere, has shown me things I couldn’t see before, strengthened my resolve or allowed me to see from a different perspective.
Every situation, whether totally amazing or down right frustrating, has always taught me something. I have made it my life long ambition to take every opportunity and become a better, stronger, more confident person. I am a self confessed over analyser and generally speaking I have analysed the shit out of myself for a very long time now. I have spent hours, days, weeks prying apart my choices, my reactions, my attitudes to try to see where they come from. I’m driven to know how I contribute to my own lessons, to see my responsibility in the creation of my own life and to own my choices and behaviour.
This is a stark contrast to who I use to be. Life has forced me to evolve, it has forced me to wake up and realise I only have this life, this day, this moment… I am not guaranteed any more than that. We are not guaranteed a thing… every moment is a blessing, every splinter of happiness a gift and every challenge an opportunity to grow. I have created many of my own challenges by not living my truth. There is a level of frustration I feel when I go against the flow and live in contrast to what I intuitively know to be true for me.
This has opened me up to certain criticism. When I’m not in flow my energy wanes, I become frustrated and live in a more negative mindset. Small things become big things and I am easily agitated. I also tend to attract that type of energy into my life. My energy attracts negative situations and I find it harder to cope with. I’m not as confident in my self belief mainly because I feel like shit and so the over analysing is intense.
BUT over the years I have learnt to be gentle on myself. I have learnt to accept my imperfections instead of rejecting them. To be honest the more OK I became with my faults the more OK I became with me. As my journey has continued I learnt that the lessons would continue. As quick as I would think I ‘had it all worked out’ there would be some situation that would rattle my cage. I would be placed in a predicament that really made me analyse who I was, what made me tick and what were my motives.
Sometimes the truth was horrid. There have been times where my motives came from a lack of self acceptance, a competitive streak, a feeling of insecurity. Sometimes as much as I wanted to avoid this I just couldn’t. This was my truth and truth doesn’t lie. The longer you avoid it, the longer you deny these feelings make up a part of who you are, the longer it takes to become the best version of you. I have a confident, loud, smart-arse exterior. That’s what people see, it’s what I’ve used to cover my insecurities, my fears and my doubts for most of my life.